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Why am I so scared to be in solitude?

Being in solitude feels great, right? I used to say “HELL NO, that gives me anxiety and I don’t wanna feel vulnerable!”

In the past, sitting in solitude felt like I was in this deep, dark hole being exposed to the many possibilities of discomfort. My mind would go haywire. My body would refuse to stay still. My emotions would start spiraling. My anxiety would soar through the roof because I was scared that I would fall into depression. Well, I couldn’t avoid the inevitable.

I had many dark episodes that became so restrictive and damaging, taking hit after hit with each one becoming more intense than the previous. Whenever I felt that I had some sort of control, things would fall right back down in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t even aware of how detrimental my avoidance was until I got hit real hard.

A specific trauma pried my eyes wide open. I’d never been so ashamed and overwhelmed with guilt after realizing that I had been projecting my emotions on other people while drowning in my own cycle of worthlessness and self-abuse. As a result, I felt the need to isolate myself from everyone so I forced myself to sit in solitude for months with absolutely no distractions. Crazy, right? Well, I had never experienced anything so powerful and deep.

It was unbelievably uncomfortable and satisfying at the same time. The pain was unbearable yet a lot of weight was also being lifted. I learned so much about myself and the world on a deeper level. It felt like I was taking an intensive course on human behavior and higher consciousness. Out of many, here are a couple notable takeaways:

• As humans, we are made to experience duality - happy/sad, good/bad, etc. - it is in our nature.

• Welcoming our inner demons and establishing a positive relationship is much more beneficial than shutting them away and turning them into enemies.

The more I sat in solitude, the less scary and hurtful it became. I don’t experience as much anxiety or depression anymore after establishing an openness to love, flow, and nurture so now I enjoy being in solitude. It’s like a breath of fresh air by the ocean while hearing the waves crash. It feels much more refreshing and peaceful even amidst all the chaos.

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