This was me 5 years ago. As colorful and vibrant as my surroundings were, all I could see was the ๐ฅ๐ข๐ณ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด that consumed me.
What I feared most hit me much differently that year. I fell into the ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ด๐ต depression Iโd ever experienced in my life, ripping my heart wide open and leaving my vulnerability fully exposed. It was like opening a dam. There was no escaping or avoiding it.
๐ฆ๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ๐๐ถ๐บ๐ฒ๐, ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ป ๐๐ฒ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐น๐บ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ฏ๐ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ฒ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐, ๐๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐๐ฎ๐๐๐ผ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ฏ๐ผ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น ๐ฑ๐ถ๐๐ฐ๐ผ๐ป๐ป๐ฒ๐ฐ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ผ๐บ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ฒ๐ ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ๐.
For half of the year, I felt like a zombie - physically present but mentally, emotionally and spiritually ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆโฆ no substance, just matter.
Then, one day, ๐ข๐ฎ ๐ฌ๐๐ค๐ก๐ ๐ก๐๐๐ ๐๐ก๐๐จ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ค๐ง๐ ๐ข๐ฎ ๐๐ฎ๐๐จ.
I realized how much my pain had been influencing the life choices I was making in such toxic ways and how negatively my actions were affecting other people. After being surmounted by shame and guilt, ๐ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ถ๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ๐ด๐ฆ๐ญ๐ง ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต from the world.
For months of isolation, I relived the most painful traumas of my past. I even asked myself...
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ช๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ญ๐ช๐ท๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ช๐ง ๐'๐ฎ ๐ซ๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐จ๐ฐ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฑ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ฏ๐ง๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ต ๐ฑ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ฆ?
Though, instead of going further down that road, a part of me knew that there was a higher purpose to all of this so I did what I could to keep afloat.
๐ ๐๐๐ฟ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฑ.
As I peeled off layers and layers of pain, I began to see the truth of my reality:
๐ ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ฝ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐บ๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐ผ๐ป๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ณ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ป๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐บ๐ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐บ๐ถ๐น๐, ๐ณ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฑ๐, ๐ฐ๐๐น๐๐๐ฟ๐ฒ, ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ผ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฒ๐๐ ๐ท๐๐๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐น ๐๐ฎ๐ป๐๐ฒ๐ฑ, ๐น๐ผ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ, ๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฎ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ.
And every time I did that, I betrayed myself.
This was the start of my awakening journey... the start of experiencing various cycles of death and rebirth... the start of releasing layers of who I thought I was and stepping into truer versions of who I am.