top of page

The Start of My Awakening Journey



This was me 5 years ago. As colorful and vibrant as my surroundings were, all I could see was the ๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ด that consumed me.


What I feared most hit me much differently that year. I fell into the ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ต depression Iโ€™d ever experienced in my life, ripping my heart wide open and leaving my vulnerability fully exposed. It was like opening a dam. There was no escaping or avoiding it.


๐—ฆ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜๐—ถ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜€, ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ป ๐˜„๐—ฒ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐˜€๐—ผ ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—น๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—ฏ๐˜† ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฒ๐—บ๐—ผ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜€, ๐˜„๐—ฒ ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—ฎ๐˜€๐˜€๐—ผ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—บ ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—น ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—บ ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฒ๐˜…๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ฒ๐˜€.


For half of the year, I felt like a zombie - physically present but mentally, emotionally and spiritually ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆโ€ฆ no substance, just matter.


Then, one day, ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™ฌ๐™๐™ค๐™ก๐™š ๐™ก๐™ž๐™›๐™š ๐™›๐™ก๐™–๐™จ๐™๐™š๐™™ ๐™—๐™š๐™›๐™ค๐™ง๐™š ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™š๐™ฎ๐™š๐™จ.


I realized how much my pain had been influencing the life choices I was making in such toxic ways and how negatively my actions were affecting other people. After being surmounted by shame and guilt, ๐˜ ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต from the world.


For months of isolation, I relived the most painful traumas of my past. I even asked myself...


๐˜ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ช๐˜ง ๐˜'๐˜ฎ ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ง๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ต ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฑ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ?


Though, instead of going further down that road, a part of me knew that there was a higher purpose to all of this so I did what I could to keep afloat.


๐—œ ๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ.


As I peeled off layers and layers of pain, I began to see the truth of my reality:


๐—œ ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ๐—ผ๐—ฝ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—บ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜† ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ณ๐—ถ๐˜ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐—บ๐—ถ๐—น๐˜†, ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐˜€, ๐—ฐ๐˜‚๐—น๐˜๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฒ, ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜๐˜† ๐—ท๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—น ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ, ๐—น๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ, ๐—ฎ๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ๐—ฝ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ.


And every time I did that, I betrayed myself.


This was the start of my awakening journey... the start of experiencing various cycles of death and rebirth... the start of releasing layers of who I thought I was and stepping into truer versions of who I am.

Recent Posts

See All

Turn Rage Into Passion ๐Ÿ”ฅ

๐—ง๐—ฅ๐—œ๐—š๐—š๐—˜๐—ฅ ๐—ช๐—”๐—ฅ๐—ก๐—œ๐—ก๐—š - Sensitive content below relating to my experience with sexual trauma. It's been since 2019 that I've started healing from years of molestation but never has it surfaced

Comments


bottom of page