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The Start of My Awakening Journey



This was me 5 years ago. As colorful and vibrant as my surroundings were, all I could see was the ๐˜ฅ๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ด that consumed me.


What I feared most hit me much differently that year. I fell into the ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ด๐˜ต depression Iโ€™d ever experienced in my life, ripping my heart wide open and leaving my vulnerability fully exposed. It was like opening a dam. There was no escaping or avoiding it.


๐—ฆ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜๐—ถ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐˜€, ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ป ๐˜„๐—ฒ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐˜€๐—ผ ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—น๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—ฏ๐˜† ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฒ๐—บ๐—ผ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜€, ๐˜„๐—ฒ ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—ฎ๐˜€๐˜€๐—ผ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—บ ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฏ๐—ผ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—น ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐˜€๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—บ ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฒ๐˜…๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ฒ๐˜€.


For half of the year, I felt like a zombie - physically present but mentally, emotionally and spiritually ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฆโ€ฆ no substance, just matter.


Then, one day, ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™ฌ๐™๐™ค๐™ก๐™š ๐™ก๐™ž๐™›๐™š ๐™›๐™ก๐™–๐™จ๐™๐™š๐™™ ๐™—๐™š๐™›๐™ค๐™ง๐™š ๐™ข๐™ฎ ๐™š๐™ฎ๐™š๐™จ.


I realized how much my pain had been influencing the life choices I was making in such toxic ways and how negatively my actions were affecting other people. After being surmounted by shame and guilt, ๐˜ ๐˜ด๐˜ฉ๐˜ถ๐˜ต ๐˜ฎ๐˜บ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ๐˜ญ๐˜ง ๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ต from the world.


For months of isolation, I relived the most painful traumas of my past. I even asked myself...


๐˜ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ต ๐˜ช๐˜ด ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฐ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ต ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ท๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ช๐˜ง ๐˜'๐˜ฎ ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต ๐˜จ๐˜ฐ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜จ ๐˜ต๐˜ฐ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ๐˜ง๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ต ๐˜ฑ๐˜ข๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฏ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฑ๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ?


Though, instead of going further down that road, a part of me knew that there was a higher purpose to all of this so I did what I could to keep afloat.


๐—œ ๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ.


As I peeled off layers and layers of pain, I began to see the truth of my reality:


๐—œ ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ๐—ผ๐—ฝ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—บ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜† ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ณ๐—ถ๐˜ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐—บ๐—ถ๐—น๐˜†, ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฑ๐˜€, ๐—ฐ๐˜‚๐—น๐˜๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฒ, ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜๐˜† ๐—ท๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—น ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ, ๐—น๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ, ๐—ฎ๐—ฝ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ๐—ฝ๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฑ.


And every time I did that, I betrayed myself.


This was the start of my awakening journey... the start of experiencing various cycles of death and rebirth... the start of releasing layers of who I thought I was and stepping into truer versions of who I am.

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