This was me 5 years ago. As colorful and vibrant as my surroundings were, all I could see was the 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 that consumed me.
What I feared most hit me much differently that year. I fell into the 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘴𝘵 depression I’d ever experienced in my life, ripping my heart wide open and leaving my vulnerability fully exposed. It was like opening a dam. There was no escaping or avoiding it.
𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀, 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘀𝗼 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀, 𝘄𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀.
For half of the year, I felt like a zombie - physically present but mentally, emotionally and spiritually 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦… no substance, just matter.
Then, one day, 𝙢𝙮 𝙬𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙛𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙮 𝙚𝙮𝙚𝙨.
I realized how much my pain had been influencing the life choices I was making in such toxic ways and how negatively my actions were affecting other people. After being surmounted by shame and guilt, 𝘐 𝘴𝘩𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘰𝘶𝘵 from the world.
For months of isolation, I relived the most painful traumas of my past. I even asked myself...
𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘧 𝘐'𝘮 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦?
Though, instead of going further down that road, a part of me knew that there was a higher purpose to all of this so I did what I could to keep afloat.
As I peeled off layers and layers of pain, I began to see the truth of my reality:
𝗜 𝗮𝗱𝗼𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆, 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀, 𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗰𝗶𝗲𝘁𝘆 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗱, 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱, 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗱.
And every time I did that, I betrayed myself.
This was the start of my awakening journey... the start of experiencing various cycles of death and rebirth... the start of releasing layers of who I thought I was and stepping into truer versions of who I am.