Turn Rage Into Passion ๐ฅ
- Desiree Punla
- May 5, 2023
- 2 min read
๐ง๐ฅ๐๐๐๐๐ฅ ๐ช๐๐ฅ๐ก๐๐ก๐ - Sensitive content below relating to my experience with sexual trauma.
It's been since 2019 that I've started healing from years of molestation but never has it surfaced so frequently and as intensely than this Eclipse Season (April 19 - May 5, 2023).
Disturbing thoughts ruminate in my mind.
๐ ๐ข๐ฎ ๐๐ ๐ข๐ฏ๐จ๐ณ๐บ.
๐ ๐ข๐ฎ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ถ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ด๐จ๐ถ๐ด๐ต.
๐๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฆ๐ด๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ด๐ฆ๐ณ๐ท๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ข๐ต๐ช๐ด๐ง๐ข๐ค๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ด๐ถ๐ง๐ง๐ฆ๐ณ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฆ๐น๐ค๐ฉ๐ข๐ฏ๐จ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฑ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ข๐ด๐ถ๐ณ๐ฆ.
๐๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ ๐ข๐ธ๐ข๐บ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ค๐ฉ๐ช๐ญ๐ฅ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ.
๐๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ ๐ข๐ธ๐ข๐บ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ค๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ.
๐ ๐ข๐ฎ ๐ข๐ด๐ฉ๐ข๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ.
๐ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฏ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.
Deep, entrenched pains cycle through my body.
๐ ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ด๐จ๐ถ๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ.
๐ ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ณ๐ต๐บ.
๐ ๐ซ๐ถ๐ด๐ต ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ง๐ง ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ด๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ.
๐ ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ'๐ต ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ฅ๐บ.
I can still see, hear and feel the experience as if it happened yesterday.
I thought I was doing the right thing. He gave me attention. I felt wanted.
Guilt, shame and rage consume me.
๐๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ข๐บ?
๐๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ค๐ข๐ฏ ๐ข๐ฏ๐บ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฅ๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ข ๐ฌ๐ช๐ฅ?
๐๐ฉ๐บ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ ๐จ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ซ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ด ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฏ?
I wish I could erase the vividness of these memories but I can't.
๐ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป'๐ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฎ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐๐ ๐ฏ๐๐ ๐ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฎ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ถ๐บ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐๐ ๐บ๐ฒ.
The best thing I can do at this point is to be honest with myself, give myself full permission to FEEL and practice forgiveness.
๐ง๐๐ฟ๐ป๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ ๐ถ๐ป๐๐ผ ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป ๐ถ๐ป๐๐๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป.
๐ง๐๐ฟ๐ป๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐ถ๐ป๐๐ผ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐ฝ๐ฎ๐๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป ๐ถ๐ป๐๐๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ฒ๐ป๐ด๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ.
Why did he do it? I don't know. I don't know what it's like to be him, to become so influenced by the darkness inside and to not have the awareness, willingness or self-control to choose a different path. All I know is that I was a willing participant and didn't know any better, and I take full responsibility for that.
๐๐ ๐ณ๐๐ฐ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐๐ฝ ๐ฎ๐ ๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐ฒ๐ ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ๐ ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ป ๐ฏ๐ฒ, ๐๐ฒ ๐ต๐ฎ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ด๐ฒ๐ป๐ฐ๐ ๐๐ผ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ผ๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐๐ฝ๐ผ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฑ.
We can play the victim and get stuck in a shitty karmic cycle or we can use our experiences to heal, grow and transform.
I realized that, at the end of the day, I am the one holding onto this pain and facing the consequences of it, and I am EXHAUSTED.
๐ ๐ด๐ฆ๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ๐ด๐ฆ๐ญ๐ง ๐ง๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฆ.
If you or anyone you know has been sexually abused, please know and let them know that you (and they) are not alone. You are loved and supported. Let us transmute this pain... the rage... into passion. ๐ฅ
Hozzรกszรณlรกsok