𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥 𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚 - Sensitive content below relating to my experience with sexual trauma.
It's been since 2019 that I've started healing from years of molestation but never has it surfaced so frequently and as intensely than this Eclipse Season (April 19 - May 5, 2023).
Disturbing thoughts ruminate in my mind.
𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘚𝘖 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺.
𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘯 𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘨𝘶𝘴𝘵.
𝘏𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘹𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦.
𝘏𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘥.
𝘏𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦.
𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥.
𝘐 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳.
Deep, entrenched pains cycle through my body.
𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘨𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨.
𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺.
𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯.
𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺.
I can still see, hear and feel the experience as if it happened yesterday.
I thought I was doing the right thing. He gave me attention. I felt wanted.
Guilt, shame and rage consume me.
𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺?
𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘬𝘪𝘥?
𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘐 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘫𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯?
I wish I could erase the vividness of these memories but I can't.
𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝘁 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘀 𝗺𝗲.
The best thing I can do at this point is to be honest with myself, give myself full permission to FEEL and practice forgiveness.
𝗧𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.
𝗧𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝘃𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲.
Why did he do it? I don't know. I don't know what it's like to be him, to become so influenced by the darkness inside and to not have the awareness, willingness or self-control to choose a different path. All I know is that I was a willing participant and didn't know any better, and I take full responsibility for that.
𝗔𝘀 𝗳𝘂𝗰𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘂𝗽 𝗮𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝗲, 𝘄𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗰𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱.
We can play the victim and get stuck in a shitty karmic cycle or we can use our experiences to heal, grow and transform.
I realized that, at the end of the day, I am the one holding onto this pain and facing the consequences of it, and I am EXHAUSTED.
𝘐 𝘴𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦.
If you or anyone you know has been sexually abused, please know and let them know that you (and they) are not alone. You are loved and supported. Let us transmute this pain... the rage... into passion. 🔥